Pensamientos Volatiles

sometimes i sit here wishing i had kept something
wishing i had bottled up your scent
or drawn that smile that lit up on your face
whenever you saw me walk towards you,
sometimes i wish i had recorded your words
the way you used to call me sunshine
the way you claimed the moon reminded you
of me
often i wish i had captured
the way your breaths felt against my neck
because it feels as though i imagined you
it feels as though i went crazy
and it turns out reality
is this sadness that keeps swallowing me
but lets me live on
when i wish it would kill me instead 

If

If I had superpowers
and I never needed rest
all of my time would be spent
on putting your worries to rest
all of the stressful situations
you encounter through out the day
i would vanish them without question
and make you forget the meaning
of words like sadness and dismay
If I had superpowers
you would never go to bed angry
quiet moments would be peaceful not somber. 
and sleep? well you would always get plenty
there would always be music playing in the background
to fit your mood and ease your worries 
and maybe one day when you turn old and become tired
i would sit beside you for company
and simply listen to your stories

estos pinches celos que siento
cuando veo que la abrazas
la llevaste a misa contigo
le abriste la puerta de tu troca
y yo hay como menza
como toda una idiota
esperando a que te des cuenta
que me muero de celos
y me encantaria golpearte
pero no somos nada
y me toca callarme
besarte en la mejilla
y decirles
“que se diviertan!” 　

“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do.”

rainkneel:

 — Dead Poets Society (1989)

when he leaves

you could spend every waking moment
dreaming about his face
longing for his embrace
rearranging your molecules
so he can fit inside every, single, possible space

you can sing him every lullaby
until his head falls in somber sleep
you can write him countless love poems
and breath each one of them
with your lips
into his

you can memorize his features
kiss his every birthmark while your eyes remain closed
inhale his scent so deeply
it is now the only thing you can breath
yet this will have no effect on him
when he wants to leave

he will pretend he never meant anything
and leave you gasping for every single breath
each one so ghastly devoid of him
you start to think he took not just your heart
but the entire respiratory system instead

There are many yesterdays
where I would have killed
to merely have you by my side 
    today I watched you walk away
and your face turned back
a couple of times 
I think you were looking
for something in my eyes
I think you found it
and out of fear decided
you wouldn’t look into them
again
or at least you would try
I don’t know If I’m getting better
at letting you go
or just getting used to seeing people leave
without being able to stop it
and being thankful
at least I got to say goodbye.  

ramblings

I created my best love song
with the busy signal
on the end
of your telephone line
as a point of reference

I guess sometimes the things people say
really do end up being correct
from the ashes rises a phoenix

Maybe I just haven’t gotten the hang of flying
maybe majestic isn’t a word
that should be used to describe me
maybe
not yet
 

I never asked to grow up

I feel like a child, one who wants to throw a tantrum, one who wants to see things crash, hear things fall that way the chaos she creates outside will be equal to the chaos she feels inside. I’ve never thrown a tantrum, my mother used to say i was born knowing that such things were childish. today however i want the universe to bend to my every whim. I want to be a spoiled bratty girl who gets whatever it is she wants and what i want today is to stop growing up. I hate when people leave, i hate when people make an impact on my life and then move on, to another country, away from my life. Yes, i’m selfish, yes, i wanted you to stay, yes, i’m crying and i only knew you for 6 months. I guess when you find someone who can teach you so much in so little time it feels like they take a piece of you with them, especially if you never actually got to say goodbye. i wish i were a child, then i could scream but since I am not, i’ll sit here and let it hurt. 

today’s complaint

you called me a bitch
and said i had changed
said that my words
said “a lot about me”
guess what darling?
they always have
my words have always
represented me
I find it sad
how you barely realized this
and find it stupid
that out of everything I said
you got offended
by the way i referred to you
as a stranger who’s name
I happen to recall

si tu gustas

llevate mi respiracion
desde que te conoci
ya no la necesito 

I needed to write about this somewhere.

Today i woke up with a message from my ex on Facebook. i expected something along the line of “hey! how have you been??” but instead found out it said “how many times have you seen me?” it took me back to the sleepless nights after he left, a sort of empty reminder inside my chest of how it had felt. i merely replied “um…a couple…why?” and sat by my laptop, my mind vacant of what to do next. he answered in record time “I haven’t seen you, if i had I would stop whatever I was doing to say hi.” now what am I supposed to answer to that? Am i supposed to tell him that every time I see him walking with his girlfriend i have wondered what her back bone would sound like smashing into the windshield of my car? Am i supposed to tell him that every time I have given his brother a ride home i have wanted to storm into his room and demand that he look me in the eyes and tell me he has forgotten everything about me? I don’t know how to act in these situations…I just hate when ghosts from the past, who are supposed to stay buried, come back to haunt me and ruin my only day off. Now i can’t shake this feeling that something is wrong, that maybe he thinks of me much more that I had let myself imagine. 

102-so i guess i’d rather not

I feel like screaming
but i won’t know the answer
to why I’m broken